Chapter 1
Welcome to Crazy Town: Population Parents
“I would say that the hardest thing
about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
– Andy Richter, Actor/Writer/Comedian
Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!
I am so glad you’re here.
You possibly found your way here because:
• The book cover and title just snagged your curiosity, and you had to take a look. Welcome! Glad to see you here!
• You are an awesome parent, you have some challenging moments here and there, and you are looking for some tips on happier parenting. This is awesome! Glad you’re here!
• You are an awesome parent, you feel you are already a happier parenting parent, and you are looking for some tips and continued development on even more happier parenting. WOOT! I’m happy you’re here!
• Of course, I can’t overlook that maybe you’re a friend or an acquaintance, and you have this book as a show of support! (Thank you so much!) Or maybe you are friends of my parents, because they did mention they would be buying and handing out a lot of copies (YAY! Thanks Mom and Dad!). And it just so happened that today you decided to have a peek inside. Thank you for that, and I’m glad to see you here too!
Whether you fall into one or more of the groups above, or a different category altogether, I am sincerely excited to see you here. Because, by the end of this book, my promise to you is that no matter where you are in your parenting journey, or personal journey for that matter, this book will be my A+ effort to collect useful tips and fun stories to help your journey be even more fun and awesome. And we will definitely enjoy some laughs along the way—sure, likely at my expense, but hey, that’s why I’m here; I’ve got your back. Sounds good? Great! Here we go!
Craziest Job Posting in the World
Before we get started, I came across this bazonkers job posting the other day— totally bazonkers. Have a peek:
Hiring ASAP: management position to supervise young team.
Responsibilities include managing and developing a young team that is very energetic, inquisitive, and persistent. Sure, they can also be argumentative and have selective hearing, but hey, it all adds to the unpredictable fun.
Good news: Meals are included. That’s a bonus. Sure, the rest of the team eats first, but leftovers can be pretty yummy.
Bathroom breaks are, on average, two times a day and must be kept short. You’ll know when it’s been too long when our young team members start banging on the bathroom door calling for you. They are just checking to see if you’re safe, and not because they don’t want to give you a moment alone. No, not that, of course.
You will function as 100% first response support to your team. Pretty much anything is on the table here, including but not limited to: communication, organization, sales, cooking, cleaning, arts and crafts, plumbing, hostage negotiation, and crisis management. Battlefield improvised first aid may come in handy too! As shifts are 24x7 on call, make sure to sleep when you can, such as combining quick naps with your twice-a-day allotted bathroom trips.
Please inquire immediately. Your young team members are anxiously waiting!
Bazonkers. Of course, I did my due diligence just to make sure, and yup, here is the official definition of “bazonkers”:
bazonkers (adjective)
1. delirious with excitement or anger; nuts
2. a never-ending, everlasting parental state
Definition courtesy of Wiktionary. And maybe, possibly, my brain.
In all seriousness, that job description is really just barely the tip of the tip of the parenting iceberg—am I right? #HollaYallParents! An actual accurate “job description” would take up this entire book, especially on those days where parenting is just this relentless in-the-trenches onslaught of bazonkersness.
At this point, if you’re asking yourself, “Wait, isn’t this book supposed to help me feel better about parenting?” no worries, we’ll get there. I want to first acknowledge how amazing and resilient you already are. Not only do we survive, but we keep coming back for more. (That’s right; this means you!)
In fact, I think we need to take a moment for recognition right here. Can we take a moment? You parents survive in the most relentless of battle trenches, and then keep working to be better. Before we go any further, take a moment to step back and see how awesome you are.
Parents, I Honor You
Parenting is like extreme on-the-job training, like nothing else I can think of: just throw you in and see if you can swim. Whether a working parent or stay-at-home parent, or some combination thereof, there are books to read and classes to take; but when it comes to actually “doing the job,” it reminds me of when I worked at start-ups. You have to wear every hat imaginable because no one else is there to do it. It’s learning and solving while on the job, and debugging issues “on the fly,” in a live production environment. And those are the normal days. On the harder days, it can feel like you’re truly in the pit of despair (thank you, The Princess Bride). It can feel quite frustrating, and even quite lonely too, as if the entire battle is on you alone. And you still pull yourself out of it and move forward.
(And by the way, please remember, you are not alone. There is always a tribe of parents to help you out.)
First and foremost: Parents, I want to recognize you for embracing the crazy bazonkerness, and coming back for more.
“YOU GET NO 401K. NO CO-WORKERS. YOU’RE JUST IN SOLITARY CONFINEMENT
ALL DAY LONG WITH THIS HUMAN TAMAGOTCHI THAT DON’T GOT NO RESET BUTTON,
SO THE STAKES ARE EXTREMELY HIGH.”
– ALI WONG, COMEDIAN
There is actually proof, happening right this very second, to show you how amazing you are: just the simple fact that you picked up this book and are reading it. Think about that for a minute. Parenting is surviving in the trenches, leaving little time for anything else. And you are picking up a book and reading it. You are using your precious and minimal “spare time” to invest in yourself to become a better parent, and really, a better person! There is no easier proof than that to show how awesome you are.
Parents, I honor you.
I honor your courage.
I honor your capacity to love.
I honor your energy.
I honor your willingness to share of yourself.
I honor you for your open mindedness.
I honor you for your relentlessness.
I honor you for the parent you are, and the parent you continue to strive to be.
#HighFive
And I welcome you to my book!
#HighFiveAgain
Who Is This Book For? (This May Surprise You!)
Now that we know who you are, let’s talk about this book and what it can do for you. With a book called Happier Parenting, it seems a bit obvious whom this book would be for, right? I mean, it pretty much says it there in the title. However, there is definitely a lot more to this, and you might be surprised.
Let’s take a closer look at this concept of “parent.” The definition below is from Merriam Webster’s online dictionary:
parent (noun)
1. one that begets or brings forth offspring
2. a person who brings up and cares for another
The first definition is what I would call a “traditional” definition for the word “parent,” one that seems to indicate the idea of biological offspring. And while this may be a “traditional” definition, a book on parenting and how to be a better “parent,” begs a much different, and wider, audience. This is why I absolutely love the second definition: “a person who brings up and cares for another.”
Isn’t this second definition a fabulous definition? This second definition is what I refer to as the “spiritual” definition of parent, or the “spiritual parent.” It is this person that I write this book for.
Unfortunately, reality tells us that some parents fitting the “traditional” definition do not fit the “spiritual” definition. I speak of those that may not have as a priority to “bring up and care for” their child, for whatever reason. It is unfortunate, and they are not the audience for this book.
The audience I am writing this book for are an amazing group: those that fit the “spiritual parent” definition, that have influence on bringing up and caring for a child, and want to better themselves and their “parenting” of this child. This includes so many amazing people! Just off the top of my head, this would include:
• Parent of your own biological offspring
• Parent of your adopted offspring
•...