Mediating High Conflict Disputes (eBook)

A Breakthrough Approach with Tips and Tools and the New Ways for Mediation

Bill Eddy, Michael Lomax (Autoren)

eBook Download: EPUB

2021 | 1. Auflage
232 Seiten
High Conflict Institute Press (Verlag)
978-1-950057-57-3 (ISBN)

Infos

High conflict mediation requires a paradigm shift from traditional mediation-high conflict experts Bill Eddy and Michael Lomax show you how. Over the past twelve years, the authors have been developing and practicing tips for managing high conflict clients in mediation, which is now a fully developed new method called New Ways for Mediation Mediating High Conflict Disputes gives all of the little tips which any mediator can use, as well as the step-by-step structure of the New Ways for Mediation method for those who want to have better control of the process in high conflict cases-or any cases. This book is divided into three parts: Part 1 provides a thorough explanation of the thinking and behavior of parties with high conflict personalities, with an emphasis on what does not work and should be avoided. Part 2 provides a detailed description of the New Ways for Mediation method, including several paradigm shifts in each step of the process for greater success. Its similarities and differences with interest-based negotiations and transformative mediation methods are explained. Part 3 includes numerous examples describing cases with special issues in several settings, including family, workplace, and disputes involving government agencies.

Textauszug

CHAPTER 1

Understanding High Conflict Personalities

This book is written primarily for professional mediators and mediators in training, but it can also be used by anyone who finds himself or herself in the middle of other people’s conflicts. While this is designed primarily for high conflict disputes, the simple tips and tools provided can be applied to any type of dispute. However, before attempting a mediation, one should receive sufficient mediation training.

Have you ever been in the middle of a mediation when suddenly one of the parties jumps up? “If that’s what you’re thinking, then I’m out of here!” And they gather their papers and storm out of the mediation room, permanently quitting the mediation?

Or have you had a mediation fall apart early on when the parties can’t even agree on signing the Agreement to Mediate? Or can’t even agree on the Agenda? Or have to fight over changing the Agenda in the middle of the process? Or respond to each other’s suggestions by saying: “That’s the stupidest idea I ever heard.”

We have experienced all of these incidents, as well as cases with uncompromising parties, silent parties, yelling parties, cases with one very high conflict person, two, and even more high conflict people. We have often thought: “So, what do I do now?”

High Conflict

High conflict is a term that is becoming more frequently used in legal cases, family conflicts, workplace disputes and even political polarization. High conflict people unnecessarily increase or prolong conflicts, rather than making good efforts to manage or resolve them. It often means taking an adversarial approach to conflict resolution that could be handled in a cooperative manner. Essentially, high conflict means trying to turn a potentially win-win situation into a winner-take-all win-lose situation. High conflict people undermine efforts to find interest-based solutions to their disputes.

Let’s take, for example, two friends. Most people would think of friends as seeking win-win, interest-based solutions to problems. In this example (familiar to many mediators from their training), both are interested in having an orange, but they only have one orange between them. A win-win approach (interest-based approach) would have each friend explain why they want the orange to see if both of their interests could be met. In this case, one friend wants it to make orange juice and the other wants to use the peel in making a cake. Obviously, this can be a win-win situation in which they both can get 100% of what they want.

But suppose that one of these friends demands that he or she gets the whole orange, because of being older, or richer, or smarter (in their own opinion), and refuses to consider any alternative. The other friend points out that they can both get everything they want. But the rigid friend gets more and more angry and demanding—arguing for their position: “No, I should get it. You are wrong and I am right!” That’s win-lose.

Insisting on win-lose when a cooperative solution could be found is the essence of high conflict disputes. The one trying to win has possibly harmed their friendship but can’t see how and/or doesn’t care. The one faced with losing will either fight back harder (adding to an already high conflict situation), or give up and go away, resenting the unnecessary loss and possibly ending the friendship. In high conflict disputes, the conflict often persists and escalates, involving more and more people, more resources, and more emotional stress for all involved.

Most of our lives today we are in cooperative settings, such as families, the workplace and communities. When problems come up, we try to talk about them and find win-win solutions, so we don’t harm our ongoing relationships. Even in competitive settings, we have laws and rules. We often shake hands after the competition is over, such as in a ball game, in business, and in legal disputes. We restrain ourselves from extreme adversarial behavior, get more done and have more satisfaction by taking a win-win approach. Even when we lose in one of these competitive settings, we still make efforts to preserve our relationships, because it is a friendly competition.

However, we are seeing more high conflict behavior in all areas of society today, including in legal and business disputes. There are more people repeatedly turning win-win situations into win-lose contests. They turn peace into war. They take an opportunity for friendly competition and turn it into a drive to dominate or destroy their opponents.

High Conflict Personalities

When this win-lose behavior becomes the primary way that a person acts with other people and in their relationships, we consider them to have a high conflict personality. People with such a personality tend to have a pattern of four characteristics which repeat and repeat in their lives in many situations:

1.Preoccupation with blaming others (their targets of blame)

2.All-or-nothing thinking and solutions

3.Unmanaged or intense emotions

4.Extreme behavior or threats

Because of this, they frequently get stuck in conflicts that most people could easily resolve. That’s why in high conflict situations we like to say: “The issue’s not the issue, the personality is the issue.” Most high conflict situations have at least one high conflict person and sometimes two or more.

High conflict people exist in all cultures and geographic regions. They can be very smart or very not smart. They can be poor, middle income or even very high income. They can be found in every occupation, although some occupations encourage or tolerate more adversarial behavior than others. They are often attracted to volunteer organizations, church groups, political parties and other groups that welcome everyone and are often unprepared for such difficult behavior.

At our trainings we often ask for a raise of hands to find out if people are seeing an increase in high conflict people over the past few years in their cases. Most people say “Yes.” Some put up both hands!

HCPs

Throughout this book we will often refer to the abbreviated term HCPs, to mean high conflict people or people with high conflict personalities. This is not a diagnosis, but a shortened term for people with this intense pattern of conflict behavior. We understand that this term does not describe a full person, just as the term alcoholic or diabetic or Californian or Texan does not describe a whole person. It is not meant in any way to be judgmental, but rather practical in recognizing a pattern of behavior that needs a different type of approach by mediators and other professionals. The goal is to change our own behavior toward them, rather than to try to change them.

It is also important not to label any specific person as an HCP. Labels trigger defensiveness in all of us, whether or not they are accurate. The purpose of describing HCPs and methods for working more effectively with them is to adapt what we do and not to publicly embarrass them or isolate them.

Targets of Blame

HCPs are preoccupied with blaming others and not looking at their own part in a problem. Their targets of blame tend to be:

1)intimate others: those emotionally close to themselves, such as spouses, parents, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, close co-workers, close neighbors, helping professionals (doctors, lawyers, clergy); and/or

2)people in positions of authority: such as supervisors, business owners, police, government officials, government agencies, school administrators, doctors, lawyers, and so forth.

Once they have fixated on such a target of blame, an HCP may attack that person as the cause of all their problems or at least the cause of one major problem in their life. They may be willing to spend months or years and involve many other people in their efforts to get their target to do something, give them something, go away; or to even destroy their reputation, their relationships, their property or even their lives.

Such behavior may lead to trouble at work, in their community or with law enforcement. They may bring frivolous lawsuits as plaintiffs against their targets of blame, or have lawsuits or even criminal prosecution brought against themselves as defendants because they engaged in extreme behavior (usually aimed at their targets of blame).

We estimate from our experience in a wide variety of settings that approximately ten percent of adults have a high conflict personality. It may not be obvious, especially at the start of a relationship, but their extreme behavior eventually comes out over time or in a crisis.

Personality Disorders

People with high conflict personalities often have personality disorders, which is a mental health diagnosis. We are not teaching you how to diagnose a personality disorder. Diagnosing personality disorders is a complex task reserved for licensed mental health professionals who are providing counseling or other psychological services. We want to briefly explain personality disorders to help you have a general background understanding in order to know what to expect from them, what not to expect from them, what not to do, as well as what to do in working with high conflict...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 15.6.2021
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Recht / Steuern ► Allgemeines / Lexika
• ISBN-10: 1-950057-57-7 / 1950057577
• ISBN-13: 978-1-950057-57-3 / 9781950057573