Finally Free (eBook)

My Exodus From The Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopaths

EvaEva Music (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2023 | 1. Auflage
327 Seiten
EvaEva Music Inc. (Verlag)
978-1-6664-0197-4 (ISBN)

Infos

'Finally Free' is the first book of three of stories of the author's life. It is a spectrum of colours, passion, and humour, a journey to India, a mission with EMI records, a dance with Drag Queens, and a victory in the battle for spiritual freedom.

Textauszug

would happen to my apartment, or my belongings? And I didn't have enough money left over to cover addressing my affairs after I was gone. And I just couldn't get away from the fact that I wasn't organized... I couldn't leave things in chaos... I needed to go with everything cleaned up. I thought about the designs I had built, every song I written and produced, every poem, every video, every dance....every extraordinary thing that I had toiled so lovingly over with the very best of myself. They would no longer be stewarded by me. There was no other "me" to be the caretaker. I needed to go and it not be a thing where there would be some kind of confused mess. I thought of my designs being neglected and destroyed. I thought of all that I had created in music; my recordings, translations, arrangements, choreography, vidoes, acting, voice over work, everything that I had created that would be lost in a reckless indifferent shuffle of invisibility....my legacy lost....Or that Mr. X would put my entire life's work on a bonfire and burn it all to the ground as he had threatened to do so many times before....And I just... I wanted to have my affairs arranged and packaged up very neatly, and sort of self-running, self-contained. And I couldn't do that. And then I thought, what if I shot wrong and was rescued to be a vegetable but was aware of everything as I lay there completely parayzed. I had heard about self shootings that had gone horribly wrong. I had done my research. I had to be certain that I made this final. .....So I sat on this wall, and I don't know how long I sat there. It was probably... I don't know, it could have been hours. I don't know. The pain was blinding, I had no concept of time. I just sat there and kept trying to pull the trigger, and I couldn't do it. And it was Christmas Eve, and how did I get here???

Well, I got there because I had had my mind twisted into a pretzel by the Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopath, Mr. X. He used every resource he had access to, to destroy me entirely, and for four years, it was true. He HAD destroyed me. He had financially ruined me while he kept hold of his money. He emotionally and mentally destroyed me. He emotionally and mentally tortured me and committed physical violence against me. I can't mention his name because he would stop at nothing to execute vengeance.

I was holding that loaded gun to my head because he, and my mother and father before him, had convinced me that I was garbage and unlovable, that I had utterly failed in life, as a human, that I was a misfit, a hopeless outsider, that there was no path for me. He told me that no one wanted me, and no one would ever want me, that 'no one liked me', that I was difficult and a 'prima donna', that I was a 'user'. No matter how many times I had prostrated myself to him trying to convince him that I loved him, he still raged. He had convinced me that he was my last chance for happiness in life. He had discarded me as easily as he had lied to me the hundreds of thousands of times he had done so to get me to do what he wanted. He, as my mother and father had, taught me that I was truly a waste of air and space.

The Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopath will go to the furthest lengths to 'win'. They will stop at nothing. Their technique is scorched earth. They don't care what they have to do, even if they cut their own ear off, as long as they destroy you. And he is that person, and I had to experience him, and he took my life and destroyed it. And there I was. Christmas Eve, and I had no one to be with, and I had no one looking after me or looking for me. All of my Christmas things were in a storage space. I was stuck in Phoenix, alone in a place I never should have been, and I didn't belong there, and the only reason I was there was because of Mr. X. He had "invited" me there. He had "invited" me to Phoenix when COVID hit in March 2020, when the world went black. It was his priceless opportunity to reel me into his dominion again, to keep me his tortured toy.

He "invited" me there, and then after I was stuck there, he left and went back to NY. (I had met him in NY. He lived half of the year in Phoenix)

I saw later in vivid colour that he was intensely sexually turned on by me being endangered and in a state of desperation. It played to his every disgusting instinct for domination and exerting brute power. So, naturally, he was all about encouraging and furthering the conditions that kept me in that state. My vulnerability, desperation to be loved, ...... was his sick sexual crack.

He had begun his campaign to get me to Phoenix the day I met him in NY. 21 September, 2018. A day that will live in infamy. He was already campaigning, "You should come to Phoenix, you'll love it, you should come to Phoenix, you'll LOVE it", he repeated incessantly. Every time he said it, my insides recoiled in revulsion. I knew deep down there was no way in hell that I should go there – I knew that he was untrustworthy, I knew he would only hurt me. But I didn't know it well enough, and he, in is diabolical manipulations knew my profound desperation. He knew that I was a ripe target. He knew that I had no idea what he really was. He knew that I was desperate to make anything work, no matter how many sacrifices it would demand of me. He knew how to condition my mind into believing that he loved me. I was his number one Manchurian Candidate. He knew that I hated myself and that I didn't understand that my self-hatred and desperation for love from anyone was his golden ticket to my sanity. This is what the Sociopath does.

And so......he "invited" me, and I put "invited" in quotes, and the reason I put that phrase, 'invited me', in quotes, is because he's a Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopath, and they never do anything that is truly an act of love or generosity for anyone. What they do are things that are designed to elicit a behaviour, to derive a result, to control, to in some way effect an outcome for their benefit, for their satisfaction, for their gratification, for their pleasure, for their whim. And so he, "invited me" to visit him in Phoenix. And then I was there, and within minutes of my arrival, his behavior was atrocious. Of course, he was late to pick me up at the airport – this in itself does not constitute "atrocious", it is what he did after that. As he habitually did, he offered no apology or phone call, gave no warmth or concern for leaving me standing there at the airport at night with my luggage waiting for him. It was my fault that the airport is difficult and confusing to navigate, and hence I deserved his foulness when he finally did arrive. It was my fault that he had not planned well enough to be there early enough to welcome me as one who "loves" would do. Of course the Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopath couldn't even be on time for the person who was supposed to be the 'love of his life'.

I feebly attempted to demonstrate some self-respect and let him know that I wasn't appreciating the shitty treatment.

I didn't get the statement out before he was already snarling over me and interrupting me. That is how he always interacted with me. He KNEW that he was dead wrong. He KNEW his moral bereftitude. He KNEW his grotesqueness. This was how my father treated me as well. I had been well-primed. I didn't understand what these people are, I didn't comprehend what was happening to me.

So naturally, I was blind. I didn't see the whole world of possibility out there for me to reach to. I had been taught that I had to be GIVEN happiness, freedom, and fulfillment, that only one person could give it to me, and that person was not me.

Within days of my arrival in Phoenix in March 2020 (I was supposed to have stayed for some weeks), Mr. X was so abusive that I changed my flight, and I went back to Brooklyn. By this time he was physically assaulting me. Because that is the inevitable pattern.

The Covert Malignant Narcissist Sociopath abuses and terrorizes mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and finally progresses to violent physical intimidation and bruises.

Back to New York. It was so desolate. I got back to my apartment, and I, I was just utterly inconsolable. More than anything I fervently wanted to die. But I still had this problem – I was still desperate for things to work with Mr. X. Of course you are baffled by this. It is baffling. My desperate ties to Mr. X. were his diabolical creation. He used the word 'love' to describe it.

Here is a real life analogy that most of us, if not all of us, are very familiar with:

In grammar school, a boy throws pencils at a girl's face 'because he likes her'. Pay attention to this please. This is what we are taught from our earliest years; If a boy hurts a girl, he 'likes' her. Let's advance this; If a man loves a woman, he hits her. Now I will correct these appalling statements; If a boy hurts a girl, he is ASSAULTING her. Assault is not 'like'. Assault is not 'love'. It is assault. It is violence. He needs to be stopped. He needs to be taught. If he doesn't stop, he needs to be restrained until he learns to interact with women appropriately or if he is constitutionally incapable of doing that, then he must be separated from society or restrained from being within one hundred feet of any woman at any time.

This is what my version of that warped programming would have sounded like if written...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 1.6.2023
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Literatur ► Biografien / Erfahrungsberichte
• ISBN-10: 1-6664-0197-8 / 1666401978
• ISBN-13: 978-1-6664-0197-4 / 9781666401974