Biff Bang, American Hero (eBook)

And Other Plays

Ronald Micci (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2018 | 1. Auflage
391 Seiten
Publishdrive (Verlag)
978-0-00-005950-5 (ISBN)

Infos

A quirky, wry, ribald collection of short plays and sketches, many farcical, perfect for college, community or professional theater and actors of all shapes and sizes. Includes The Lady Gentian Violet; Hot Women, High Explosives; International Supreme Con Artists Group and more -- in all, 30 plays, many of them first presented as part of First Stage LA's annual 'Playwrights Express.'

Textauszug

BIFF BANG, AMERICAN HERO

CHAPTER ONE: BIFF'S BRAVEST BANG

CHARACTERS

BIFF BANG, matinee idol, fighter pilot hero, and every mother’s son, late teens-early 20s

PENNY, his sweetheart, a wholesome, all-American girl who flosses regularly and says her prayers at night, 16 or 17

RADIO ANNOUNCER (COMMENTATOR)

SETTING

A radio broadcast studio simulating the cockpit of Biff’s fighter bomber, 1940s.

The scene is meant to simulate the cockpit of BIFF's fighter-bomber, plunging dangerously out of control as it hurtles to earth. In fact, we're simulating one of those nail-biting radio broadcasts of action cliffhangers from days gone by. BIFF's dressed in bomber jacket, leather aviator helmet, and goggles; PENNY, his sweetheart, sits behind him, wearing floral print dress and sweater, clutching her pocketbook in her lap. Nearby, the RADIO ANNOUNCER calls the play by play, giving it to us hard and fast, seated at his pedestal mike. SFX: AERIAL DIVE-BOMBERS SCREECHING AND INCESSANT MACHINE GUN CHATTER

ANNOUNCER

Welcome once again, my friends, to another episode in the life and times of one Biff Bang, American hero and every mother's son. Yes, Biff Bang, high school dropout and would-be fighter pilot hero, mustered out of World War II combat prematurely when judged to be more than just a little crazy, who would embark this day on his own personal crusade of wild abandon and derring-do in pursuit of the elusive enemy.

(a beat)

Yes, Biff Bang, American Hero, who this day faced the greatest challenge of his young life as he and high school sweetheart Penny plummeted wildly out of control in Biff's fighter-bomber over Iowa cornfields on a perilous collision course with earth. Look out, Biff, Look out!

PENNY

(this always rapid-fire)

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

(a beat)

Gosh Biff, I'm worried, this time we're really in a spot.

BIFF

(arch, veddy British throughout)

Are we, Penny?

PENNY

The plane's losing altitude like crazy. It looks like we're going to crash.

BIFF

Don't be afraid, Penny, this is Biff Bang sitting next to you. Biff Bang, action hero, matinee idol, and disgusting, relentless do-gooder. Gimme a kiss.

PENNY

But Biff?

(He grabs her, steals a kiss and maybe then some, as PENNY struggles to break free)

BIFF

For luck.

PENNY

(scolding)

Biff!

BIFF

Sorry Penny -- sometimes Biff needs a bang. Now, where were we?

PENNY

Only in the most dangerous, death-defying downward spiral of our lives.

BIFF

Which raises the inevitable question -- what are we going to do?

ANNOUNCER

What indeed, dear friends, as Biff and Penny hurtle wildly out of control, sucked like two frail leaves on the dangerous downdrafts of fate, and yet this is Biff Bang, action hero and every mother’s son, and not someone easily to be counted out.

(beat)

So don't blink, budge or touch that dial, my friends, if you hope not to skip a beat in this exciting Biff Bang adventure, as we return now to the cockpit of Biff'’s fighter-bomber, precariously perched high above Iowa cornfields, but spiraling wildly out of control, where he and his sweetheart, Penny, now find themselves in a very dangerous loser-take-all downward dance with death. Give ‘em hell, Biff, give ‘em hell!

PENNY

Biff? Biff, don't just sit there -- do something.

BIFF

What am I going to do?

PENNY

I don't know -- yank on something.

(He puts his hand in his crotch)

Not that!

BIFF

My joystick -- yes, that's it. It must be here somewhere. Yes, there it is.

(He reaches for joystick)

I’ve got it now, Penny, I can feel it right here in my hand, hard as a rock.

PENNY

Pull, Biff, pull!

BIFF

(sexually aroused)

Yes, Penny, yes.

PENNY

Harder, Biff, harder!

BIFF

Oh dear God -- yes, yes, yes. . .

PENNY

We’re losing altitude, Biff!

BIFF

Who cares?

PENNY

What are we going to do?

ANNOUNCER

What indeed, poor frightened souls, as you spin through space wildly out of control, sucked by dangerous downdrafts ever closer to earth. Indeed, there’s no telling what might happen to you this time, Biff Bang, nor have we a precious moment to lose as we again rejoin you in the cockpit of your fighter-bomber, in an adventure that has come to be known as -- "Biff's Bravest Bang."

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff? . . . We’re going to crash, aren't we?

BIFF

(arch, British)

Are we, Penny? I don't think so.

PENNY

We are, Biff, I know we are.

BIFF

I've never crashed a plane before, Penny, I don’t intend to start now.

PENNY

But Biff, your joystick -- it's not working.

BIFF

Let me be the judge of that.

PENNY

The plane, Biff, it's shaking!

BIFF

I don't know about the plane, but --

PENNY

I'm feeling faint, Biff -- I think I'm going to pass out.

BIFF

No, Penny, no -- you mustn't pass out.

PENNY

Biff -- my head, it's reeling. I can't hold out much longer. What are we going to do?

ANNOUNCER

You’re going to keep that radio dial tuned right where it is, my friends, if you know what's good for you, as we cling to the edge of our seats and hurtle forward in another nail-biting, thrill-packed chapter in the life and times of one Biff Bang, American hero and every mother's son. So rejoin us now, won't you, as we plunge directly back into the fray, as you might recall in the cockpit of a dangerously out of control fighter-bomber. The hour is late, Biff, the hour is late.

BIFF

(shaking Penny, whose eyes have closed)

Penny -- Penny, wake up!

(She drowsily opens her eyes)

PENNY

Where are we?

BIFF

Say my name fast, three times.

PENNY

Biff Bang, Biff Bang, Biff --

(She conks out. He tries to revive her)

BIFF

Penny?

(She opens her eyes)

PENNY

Biff -- the joystick, it may be our only hope!

BIFF

You mean it was our only hope.

(He waves the broken joystick in the air)

PENNY

Oh my God!

BIFF

Be strong, Penny, be very strong.

PENNY

To think, only hours ago I was just another innocent schoolgirl sitting by the window in biology class.

BIFF

Who heeded the call, Penny, the higher call, to fight latter-day Nazis over Iowa cornfields.

PENNY

Oh Biff.

BIFF

Be proud, Penny, be very proud.

ANNOUNCER

And be afraid, Penny, be very afraid, for your plane is continuing to lose altitude, and time, dear girl, is running out.

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff? I'm scared, Biff, what are we going to do?

BIFF

What we're not going to do is show fear, Penny. No, that would give the enemy something to feed on.

PENNY

But Biff?

BIFF

This is war, Penny, never forget it. Those innocent-looking crop dusters on your land are none other than Nazi warplanes in disguise -- bent, if I might add, on our own destruction.

PENNY

But Biff?

BIFF

We'll not show fear, nor flinch nor bat an eye, not even if it means sacrificing ourselves in a blazing ball of glory.

PENNY

But Biff, this is insane! We can't attack those planes -- my father is down there. This is a mistake, Biff, don't you see, all a terrible mistake.

BIFF

Is it, Penny? Hold on tight now, it's time for some music -- the music of bombs exploding over cornfields.

PENNY

But Biff?

BIFF

I'm going to pull this lever, Penny, and shortly thereafter, commence, if you'll pardon the expression, to bomb the living s--t out of them.

PENNY

But Biff, my father is down there. I won't let you.

(She tries to stop him)

BIFF

But I must, Penny, I must!

PENNY

No, Biff, no. I love you, but not if you're going to do this.

BIFF

Then, what in the world are we going to do?

ANNOUNCER

You're going to bite your fingernails, clutch your sweetheart to your bosom and hang on for dear life, Biff Bang, as we batten down the hatches and dash furiously into the home stretch of yet another heart-pounding, thrill-packed Biff Bang adventure. Go get ‘em, Biff, go get ‘em!

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

BIFF

Penny?

PENNY

Biff?

(A slight pause)

BIFF

Did you mean what you said a moment ago -- to wit, that you love me?

PENNY

Yes.

BIFF

And in doing so, does that mean you'll put out for me?

PENNY

No.

BIFF

But if we're going to crash anyway --

(The plane lurches to one side, taking them with it)

PENNY

Look out!

(She lunges for control of the steering wheel)

BIFF

Look, Penny, look -- over there, in the trees. There's an open space. We can land, I know we can!

PENNY

No, Biff, no!

BIFF

Yes, Penny, yes! Fasten your seatbelt and say a prayer, ‘cause Biff Bang is taking her in.

PENNY

But Biff?

BIFF

No biffs, ands or...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 23.2.2018
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Literatur ► Lyrik / Dramatik ► Dramatik / Theater
• ISBN-10: 0-00-005950-1 / 0000059501
• ISBN-13: 978-0-00-005950-5 / 9780000059505