Emotionally Unstable (eBook)

Growing Up Without My Daddy

La Cherie Armour (Autor)

eBook Download: EPUB

2016 | 1. Auflage
132 Seiten
Bookbaby (Verlag)
978-0-9973592-1-3 (ISBN)

Infos

Teenage Love is Real! You can feel your passions moving deep inside your soul, no matter how many grown-ups tell you, 'you don't feel nothing but hormones.' I heard the same thing growing up, and decided to explore what I was feeling alone. My ignorance drove me to having affairs with multiple partners that sadly resulted in... STD's. Although, mine was curable others are not so fortunate. What was I missing, or even more what was I trying to fill? My desperation for acceptance, attention, affection, protection, and admiration made me think any boy could satisfy what hurt. Why was I driven by sex instead of love? I had to get down to the bottom, and hope to help you do the same in my steamy book entitled: Emotionally unstable (growing up without my daddy).

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Have you ever fallen for someone you knew was wrong for you? Not once or twice, but, over and over again- a perpetual cycle that you just could not seem to break? What made you stay with them? Or more importantly, if you left-what drove you to go back? I took the time to answer these questions and more in my inspirational book, entitled: Emotionally Unstable (Growing up without my Daddy). Wrong Luv and I went too far. My life was hurting in a vulnerable way. I just needed him to rescue me from the pain I was carrying inside. My gut instincts told me to walk away, but my desperation for love made me stay. What started out as just another boyfriend, became the realization of a potentially abusive relationship. He had a violent side-a mean streak, with just enough charm to get what he wanted. Unfortunately, I gravitated to his unruly behavior- but didn't know why-until the truth about my childhood resurfaced. Wrong Luv's violent temper tantrums felt familiar to me, but rather than search for something better, I tried to make it work. Waiting for his acceptance, attention, affection, protection, and admiration started breaking down my self-esteem. Did staying with wrong luv, mean I should lose me?Time was ticking, a decision had to be made. God offered me a journey of healing; I agreed, but didn't know it included the return of three ex-teenage boyfriends, and a teenage crush. Facing the truth about each one of them was eye-opening, as, they were linked to my pain, and the truth about being-- Emotionally Unstable: growing up without my daddy. Read my full Story!

Textauszug

Chapter 1

Emotionally unStable

A dead end road is incapable of guiding you down the right path.

-LArmour

Puzzled over the Pain

January of 2009, sharp pains pierced through my heart while shopping in a Rite Aid store in Los Angeles, California. You just need to sit down, I told myself while standing in line to pay for my items. My heart was hurting. My emotions were off center. Two months had passed since Wrong Luv and I broke up and my heart knew he was not coming back. Anger was festering on the inside while sadness was depressing me. Breathe deep and the pain will leave, my conscious ordered. Yet, nothing could ease my discomfort. I paid for my items, fled the checkout stand, and ran to the driver seat of my car. I quickly closed the door, trying to calm my emotions, but fear was over taking me. My body did not want to feel the pain; I reached for death to set me free, but my subconscious fought against self-murder. A strange war erupted within telling me to give up on life. Everything seemed to be going bad; life was full of disappointments. I was under attack; I had no inner peace: my family conflicts, repo threats, foreclosure, and furlough job cuts in 2008 would not let me rest. My inner pains kept trying to suffocate me. My life was sinking into more trouble, as my daughter’s near death experience at Children’s hospital in Los Angeles, California nearly took me over life’s edge.

O lord God of my salvation, I have cried day and night before thee: Let my prayer come before thee: incline thine ear unto my cry; For my soul is full of troubles: and my life draweth nigh unto the grave.

-Psalms 88:1-3 KJV

Did the doctors really expect me to accept their diagnostics test that revealed—Lupus at age twelve? How could they say her illness was incurable? I felt my faith in God was stronger than their report; I prayed for Him to fix whatever they could not. “Lord, take the Lupus away,” I pleaded, but He allowed it to stay—why? The reports kept coming! My faith started failing. Watching my daughter suffer as Lupus marred her outer beauty and ferociously beat up her self-esteem daily in 2008 tore my heart apart. The hammers of Arthritis showed up every night attacking her inner bones; her midnight cries felt like a midlife crisis. My baby lost her power to dance and became wheelchair bound. Tears flooded my eyes, as she could no longer take a normal walk from the bedroom to the kitchen without wheelchair assistance. Why was her condition worsening? My heart was plagued by despair as my motherly instincts were not enough to save my baby girl.

I felt burned out sitting in the Rite Aid parking lot wishing God would end my life with death. God’s still quiet voice crossed over the chaos of my distorted thoughts and whispered, “Who will take care of your daughter?” His words echoed throughout me, as I tried to think of someone... just one who would care for her as her mommy. I answered back; “no one.” Suddenly, her beautiful big brown eyes flashed before my face. Go home to your daughter; it will devastate her to lose you now, my thoughts cried. I sat in my car torn between my love for her and the disappointment of wishing Wrong Luv had stayed to help me fight through our pain. Anger took over, why didn’t he call me? Did I have to face my daughter’s illness alone? What happened to us? I needed someone to walk beside us. But, how could Wrong Luv walk beside us when he was 3,000 miles away. I sat in the car trying to keep my mind off of another failed relationship. My brain was overloading. I was trying to think of a way out of the pain, but my body kept forcing me to feel what hurt. Think, Lady Girl! Don’t feel the pain. It was too late; my thoughts shifted my emotions from my daughter’s near death encounter to my Wrong Luv abandonment.

Long Distance Love

Wrong Luv was someone else’s bill collector. I was only supposed to end the harassing calls. I dialed him from work, but my intent to rebut proved to be a waste of time. “Lady Girl,” his smooth subtle sensual voice uttered. Good Lord! I sat there with my ear pressed to my phone in California as his tone traveled a radioactive wave of enticement from 3,000 miles away. He had a formal greeting with an underlying attraction that made getting down to business useless. “Just a moment Lady Girl, let me pull up the account you cosigned. So how’s the weather out there today?” he inquired. The sweethearts’ month of 2008 was ending. “It’s beautiful, the sun is shining,” I gloated back. “Man it’s raining here, wish I was where you are” he sighed. His voice shifted. Hold up, Lady Girl; was that some kind of low-key hint? My ego nudged my imagination to travel me into a distant milky way while sitting amongst co-workers keying applications that no longer mattered. Did he really want a voice challenge? Pride took over the arrogance that told me to answer him back with a sound of ecstasy he could not resist. My co-workers recent tease about my natural sexy intercom voice made me curious enough to see if they were right. I went in for the kill utilizing my deepest registry twisted inside a sensual whisper that exploded into an intrinsic vibration that secretly hinted for him to call me back. Did it work? Did I win? Was it over? We said goodbye, but the man that captivated my curiosity had me wondering if he understood my hint to call me back. I lost my composure staring at my phone in disbelief as it rang from a (404) area code. Wow he broke the rules and made an unrecorded phone call to my cell with no formal permission?

“Hello,” I answered. He said, “Lady Girl I told my boy I thought you were going to jump through the phone and grab me.” Laughter took hold of us as he continued to express how my voice captivated curiosity within him. “I had to call you back to see what was up!” I guess my co-workers were right. The excitement in his voice told me my bomb voice won. “You are bold to break the rules,” I flirted. “Look, I gotta get off this line. I get off at 9pm, it will be 6pm yo time, answer yo phone,” he fired back. Instantaneously, I was intrigued by the mysterious man that had the courage to risk his job to go after what he wanted -Me. The phone rang at six o’clock; Oh my goodness, a smile lit my face. Lady Girl he really called back, but my smirk was soon wiped away as his first words struck me without warning. “You want me to come spend the night with you?” Spend the what? I know he did not say spend the night? Is that the impression my sensual voice left him? Did he not realize I was not just a Lady Girl, but a church girl too? I was appalled, because of my ten year abstinent walk with God at the time, but chose to continue the conversation with my answer. “Umm, no I do not.” I stood in the mirror telling my reflection that this was going to be our only conversation; but found myself too intrigued to walk away.

Lesson Alert

Anyone can practice abstinence, but only a few will live virtuously.

-LArmour

How were things moving so fast between us? He called me every day. Who was he? My Christian walk somehow seemed irrelevant to our conversation so I left it out. All that mattered was that he was into me and I was into him. After several talks it was time to ask my big question, “What made you call me back the first night?” His bombshell response hit me hard, “You SEDUCED me?” My heart dropped like a broken elevator shaft. Guilt turned my conduct into shame even though he tried to convince me that seducing him was fine. Oh no, it was not fine for a church girl. Sure I did a little extra with my voice, but isn’t it just a natural prowess all females possess? I know I got it from Eve.

And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

-Genesis 3:6 KJV

A woman exuding her femininity and interests in the opposite sex is one thing, but seduction slithers like a serpent covering up its true intents. Which one of us offered the fruit first? Did it matter? Deception always tells you just enough truth to fall for a lie. Trouble was present, but I could not tell which one of us it was coming from. I convinced my heart not to get tangled up in the game I knew we were playing, but it did not work. Time passed as his second challenge baited me in on a hook after a few more months of phone talk. “So Lady Girl, you think you can handle a long distance relationship,” he asked. I could not resist his challenge. I kept going in deeper even though my gut kept telling me to get out. “Sho’ can,” I stank-face answered.

My head was in the clouds, but Jesus was nowhere to be found. A hidden anger toward God for still being single drove me to give Wrong Luv the wrong impression about me. “What do you have on,” he inquired at 1am in the morning. Was that a trick question? What did he think I had on lying in bed at one am? Should I arouse his curiosity or...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 15.9.2016
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Sachbuch/Ratgeber ► Gesundheit / Leben / Psychologie ► Partnerschaft / Sexualität
• Themenwelt: Kinder- / Jugendbuch
• ISBN-10: 0-9973592-1-8 / 0997359218
• ISBN-13: 978-0-9973592-1-3 / 9780997359213