What We Know Now! (eBook)

Jenny Kelly, Mairead Ronan (Autoren)

eBook Download: EPUB

2024 | 1. Auflage
288 Seiten
Gill Books (Verlag)
978-1-80458-184-1 (ISBN)

Infos

Across twenty years of friendship, Jenny Kelly and Mairéad Ronan have experienced single life, marriages, divorce, motherhood, career dilemmas, grief, diets, dodgy hairstyles, stress, ageing, bad times and good times too. Here, along with their well-earned wisdom about the serious (and sometimes funny) business of life, they share their thoughts on how to navigate grown-up friendships, what it means to be in a relationship, and how to stop worrying about having it all and start figuring out what it is you actually want! You'll also discover essential truths, like why you will never have Pocahontas hair (and why that's okay), why there's no greater joy than a deep clean with your favourite spray mop (just Jenny?), and how staring at trees can make you happier than owning a Mulberry handbag. What We Know Now doesn't claim to solve all your problems, but it will provide good company, give you a laugh, and help you feel less alone through the unavoidable ups and downs of life. 'Down-to-earth, practical advice with a great sense of humour.' Miriam O'Callaghan 'A book about real life - the lovely parts and the messy parts. Reading it is like having a cup of tea with a good friend.' Derval O'Rourke

Jenny has worked in Irish radio for over 20 years. Before joining The Ray D'Arcy Show, she worked on The Gerry Ryan Show on 2FM and on East Coast Radio. While with Today FM, she won numerous radio awards with the team. Jenny co-presented the 'Fix-It Friday' slot every week and, with her cupid wings on, she was responsible for getting many listeners together. A career highlight was singing 'Happy Birthday' to Roger Moore. She stepped back from daily radio life in 2017.

Textauszug

True friends allow you to be exactly who you are

Confession: Sometimes I am not a good friend.

• I don’t like talking on the phone.
• I’m terrible at remembering dates.
• I don’t really like going out after 6 p.m.
• If I do manage to see you it might be weeks till you hear from me again.

Wow – what a catch!

Some of you are probably reading this and thinking, ‘How the hell does she have any friends?’, but I know there are others thinking, ‘She’s my kinda gal!’ I think the reason my friends put up with me is because we have known each other so long and have seen each other in so many different phases of life that we are accepting (mostly) of these personality idiosyncrasies.

What I know about friendships

As a woman in my 50s, here’s what I’ve learned about friendships and what makes them last.

Friendships should be fluid and easy – not based on obligation and tension. You are two people who choose to be together when you can because you love each other. It’s as simple as that. To make a new friend now, at my age, I have to have that feeling – you know the one, where you just think, ‘Yes! I love her! She’s in.’ That’s only happened to me a few times in the last 20 years, so the odds of my friend circle growing are not great. But is that so bad? Have we all bought into the idea of what we’ve been told it means to be a good female friend? We put a huge amount of pressure on ourselves to live up to this ideal standard – and I wonder if this is why so many women feel so overwhelmed a lot of the time. Along with all the effort they have to put into their work relationships, their home life and their immediate family, they also have to juggle mum friends, old school friends and college friends. It’s just too much.

Friendships ebb and flow – and that’s OK Controversial statement here, but I don’t think you should have to maintain a friendship. It sounds like too much hard work. There will be ebb and flow in the relationship, but the minute pressure is put on a friendship, things will start to go wrong. It’s like the needy wannabe boyfriend or girlfriend chasing after you – what does that make you want to do? RUN THE OTHER WAY. I’m not suggesting that you make absolutely no effort with a friend and then expect everything to be rosy when you next meet up. What I mean is that true friendship is based on security and the knowledge that even when you are apart or things are a little distant, the relationship remains.

It’s easy in the modern world for jealousies to arise. Say you haven’t met up with a friend in ages, but every time you see her on Instagram she seems to be out having a ball at a different do or event. As we all know, the reality can be very different to what is presented online. I know that I’ve been at events that I didn’t want to be at – got dolled up and smiled for the pictures – but I was actually dreaming about being at home in my Birkenstocks and cosy dressing gown. To a friend feeling left out, all they see is the bright smile and the night out – without them.

When you are feeling let down by a friend, ask yourself what you get from the relationship Sometimes a walk and a chat will clear the air, but other times you have to recognise that maybe you expect and need different things from the friendship. But before you go in all guns blazing looking to ditch this friend, maybe stop and think about what you DO get from the friendship. Looking to her to be everything to you is never going to work, and that’s why it’s good to have multiple friends who fulfil different needs within you. Acceptance of who your friend is will change the dynamic immediately. You will stop looking to her to fulfil every single one of your friendship needs and just enjoy her for what she can and does give in the relationship. It all goes back to when I was talking about change earlier – ebb and flow – allowing people to be themselves and accepting that.

We have to know when to say goodbye to a relationship and we have to know that it’s OK to do that, too It’s very un-Irish to have a break-up conversation with a friend – most of us would probably find it easier to just ghost that person. I was ghosted once by an old friend. We reconnected by chance and then when we tried to meet up a few times, life got in the way. When I eventually tried to arrange a meeting she had blocked me on all socials. And I was fine with it.

Breaking up with a friend means confronting the situation and telling the person the ‘why’. If it’s too hard to do this face to face there are other options. You could go old-school and write a letter – this is a good way to get your thoughts in order and also keeps you from getting into a tit-for-tat row. You could text the person and say that you need to talk to them about something important and ask if they can take a call. This will set them up to expect something and hopefully means they won’t be caught off guard. But probably the best thing to do is meet for a coffee and just say what’s on your mind. It’s going to be awkward, but when it’s done, it’s done. Like I said, this is the hardest option but probably the most respectful and honest.

Frenemies

A frenemy is a friend who’s also a little bit of an enemy – if you can be a ‘little bit’ of an enemy. It’s a person you’re friendly with, but there is a bit of dislike there, too. A rivalry, a distrust, a feeling of things being not quite right … as Britney said, it’s all a bit toxic.

It might be a once-over of your outfit when you meet up, a dig at your weight, a humorous put-down in front of others that somehow feels a lot like being shamed. But you don’t say or do anything because, sure, it’s just them and they’ve always been like that … but maybe pause there for a bit and have a think about that. Is it OK for a so-called friend to talk to you, or about you, that way? Is it right that you feel ‘less than’ around them? Is it OK that you dread seeing their name come up when your mobile rings? The answer is pretty simple: No!

The way I see it is, if you allow someone to treat you or speak to you that way then you have to accept being treated and spoken to that way. My advice would be to take a deep breath and gently confront the situation by saying something like, ‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t mention my weight’, or, ‘That sounded a bit mean – is there something that you want to talk to me about?’

My advice is to say, ‘Was that comment meant to be helpful or hurtful?’ It will stop them in their tracks!

You will cause the person to stop and think a little, and if they continue to speak to you and treat you the same way you now know that it is intentional. The next move is yours. Do you continue to allow yourself to be treated this way? Do you feel you are not worth kindness and love? Do you think that people’s words don’t mean anything? And before I go on, I’ll answer all the above with a big shouty NO (in caps).

Usually when we try to explain away someone’s behaviour it’s because we are too scared to confront the truth because it means that we will have to take action. Life is too bloody short to allow toxic people in your space. If you are not feeling brave, then speak to a good friend about the situation and ask them to back you up when you are next in this person’s company – they can give you strength. If you start standing up for yourself, slowly but surely you will begin to feel more confident and you’ll be able to start shaking off frenemies like this one.

Aim for quality over quantity

The ‘Dunbar’s number’ study was published in the 1990s by evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar. He claimed that humans can cognitively handle up to 150 meaningful social relationships (150!!!). But out of all these connections, the number of close friendships people have, Dunbar found, is five. That sounds a bit more reasonable to me. That group of five friends should be your inner sanctum, the friends who you know and trust implicitly and vice versa. These are the people that you are totally yourself with – no need for any pretence or for putting a face on. They get you and you get them. They are a joy to be around because there is no effort required. It feels easy and relaxed and even on the off days when you are not feeling it, you can be truthful and tell them. These five people (and for some people this number could be two or three) might not be a group but could be individuals from different times in your life that, for whatever reason, you clicked with.

The magic number

A real friendship bond

There is a loneliness epidemic in Ireland. Out of the whole of Europe, we came top of the table in a loneliness study that was published in 2023. This makes me feel so sad. A stark finding in the study was that, although being in a relationship is associated with lower loneliness, those in unhappy relationships are more likely to be lonely than single people. To have people around you but still be...

Produkt-Details

• Erscheint lt. Verlag: 24.10.2024
• Verlagsort: London
• Sprache: englisch
• Themenwelt: Schulbuch / Wörterbuch ► Lexikon / Chroniken
• Themenwelt: Technik
• Schlagworte: 2FM • books for women • books for women age 30+ • Community • Fashion • Friendship • goddess guide • Jenny and Mairead podcast • lessons for life • Life Hacks • life tips • Make-up • Motherhood • practical tips for life • relationships • RTE Radio • store cupboard ingredients • things you should know • wisdom • young mothers
• ISBN-10: 1-80458-184-4 / 1804581844
• ISBN-13: 978-1-80458-184-1 / 9781804581841